Having fun in the hospital:

Now, I’ve been in the hospital a lot, so I know how absolutely boring it is….even with the all powerful Mr. Morphine! So, over the years, I’ve come up with a few things to make being stuck in there, a little more tolerable. If at all you can, I recommend these few ideas for you to try, and alleviate the boredom and depression of being there.

Get yourself someone who looks really bored and snag a couple of wheel chairs. Then cruise around till you find just the right long hallway. Then let the races begin! I found you can only do this twice a day though. Day shift and then the night shift. Word spreads quick so you’ll only get a couple chances to kick someone’s ass ‘at the races’. Some of the nurses really get pissed when you’re flying your wheel chair as fast as your arms can pump down their halls…so you won’t get away with it for long…but it’s really fun while it lasts. Of course then there’s the wheel chair tricks. Who can keep the front wheels of the ground the longest. Who can pop the best wheelies. Who can take a sharp corner the fastest (without falling out of the chair or running into innocent bystanders). Bumper chairs can be fun too, but you usually get carted back to your room pretty quick with that one too.

I happen to be a smoker (yeah, yeah…I don’t tell YOU cheese burgers are bad for you when you eat ‘em, so Shad-up!), so I try to escape outside as often as I can. Usually in a wheelchair, sexy hospital gown on, fuzzy slippers, and IV pole in hand. But…I got bored with that too, before long. So I came up with a fun game. You roll yourself down to the corner of the place, wherever the main or busy street is, and lean out a little in your wheelchair, IV pole clearly visible, and stick your thumb out like you’re hitching for a ride! You can place bets on three things: how many cars will actually stop (which has only happened once for me, damn it), on how long it will take for word to get out about what you are doing, and they come drag your butt back to your room (I always tell them I was just trying to make a break for it!), with threats of locking you in there, and finally, you can bet on how many cars honk at you while speeding by. Hee hee….

I was out one day, having a smoke in my ever so sexy outfit and iv…and I was right next to one of the big blue public mail boxes. Around the time I finished my smoke, the mail guy came to collect that days mail outta the thing. About the time he unlocked the flap and was digging out letters, I said, “Psst. Psst. Hey buddy….” He looks at me, yes? I said, “hey..I’ll give you $20 if you get me outta here.” He looked at me, eyeing the gown, the slippers, and the iv. “uhhhh…. I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I said, “Sure it is…I break out all the time. You just make them THINK you took the ‘blue’ pill. Come on man, give me a lift!” He started digging the mail out with a renewed since of purpose (and speed!) and stammered, “Uh..I’m sorry but this is a government vehicle and I can’t give rides to anyone, sorry” …then he left like I had asked him on a date! ROFL That killed a good 10 minutes. Wish you coulda seen his face.

It was kinda the same look my urologist gave me one day in his office. He told me he wanted me to drink real lemon juice to try and reduce the acid in my body. So, straight faced, I asked him, “So is lemon slices ok too?” Oh yes, yes, that was just fine. I said, “Oh great! Um…so does it still count if it’s after a shot of tequilia?” He made the same face the post guy made. You know the face. It’s the “wtf??? Is she serious or just insane?” face. (I vote both; = seriously insane.) hee hee… Then there was the time I asked Spawn’s orthopedic surgeon, “Can a man break his penis? And if he can, do you put it in a cast when he does??? Do they get to choose what color they want the cast to be too?” Spawn nearly died! What do ya know! Same face! (never did answer me either.) That’s what I like to call “Having fun with Dr’s”. LOLOL

Another fun thing is to call the nurse’s station and ask (over the speaker) if the down stairs caffateria has a bar. Now, if you actually GO to the caffeteria, make sure you stand there looking over the different colored jello for awhile, with a perplexed look on your face. When they ask if they can help you with something, say, “Yes. I was just wondering…which color flings the best? And, are the cubed jello’s anymore aerodynamic than the whole round ones? Or will the cubed jello scatter on impact like a shot gun?” They also frown at you ordering pizza from your hospital room, however, giving the nurses some usually means you get extra special treatment. If, while you are cruising around the halls in your wheelchair, someone asks you what you’re in for, just tell them with vigorous nodding that they are removing the alien device planted in your skull during an abduction to their home planet. You could always go to the nursery and hang out looking at the babies till someone comes along and asks you which one is yours. Tell them there are 4; from artificial insemination. Then point out as many different colored of kids you can see (a white kid, black kid, brown kid, Asian kid…just pick out a variety). When they look at you with ‘that face’, tell them you asked for ‘international’ doners. Then you can try to play with the heart monitor. Hold your breath awhile, then breath really fast, then really slow, and back to holding your breath. I always try to make it beep some sort of tune, but I haven’t quite mastered it yet.

So you see, boys and girls….there’s always SOMETHING you can do to cheer yourself up, or just to make the day go by a little faster! Good luck with these, and I’d love to know your own schemes along these lines…after all, I’ll prolly end up there again, and I’d LOVE to have something new to bug them with, as they’ve all ready caught on to all the old tricks.
<snaps fingers> Dang it.

An Evil Imp@aol.com